Communication is hard. And, it’s a really necessary part of our lives. How else are we expected to get what we want from someone else? Or to ask someone to change their behaviors? Or let someone know that you really like what they’ve just done? We need to communicate with others, and sometimes, we are just not good at it, which causes problems.
Enter DEAR MAN, a communication skill that comes to us from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT is an evidence based treatment that focuses on building skills to help people navigate in the world in a way that is less reactive, and more skillful and mindful. Rather than acting on our emotions, DBT encourages people to recognize the important information that feelings convey (anxiety, for example, conveys that something about this situation is worrisome, and that you may want to tread lightly) while also working to be effective, which in this case means working skillfully towards your ultimate goals.
DEAR MAN is the main skill focused on in the Interpersonal Effectiveness section of DBT and is a skill for asking something of another person. Perhaps you want them to act in a different way, or you need something from someone. Whatever it is, DEAR MAN can help raise the odds that the communication will go well, and maybe even that you’ll get what you want. (Point of clarification . . . by “go well”, we mean that it increases the odds that you will walk away from the conversation feeling good about how it went, even if you don’t get what you want out of it. No fighting, no threats or name calling, and no harbored negative feelings afterwards. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?)
So, how does DEAR MAN work? Let’s start with the DEAR part. Like many things in DBT, DEAR MAN is an acronym, which stands for Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce. Put together, these four elements give you a perfect recipe for how to have an effective conversation.
Describe: Ever watch old episodes of Dragnet where they say “Just the facts ma’am”? That’s what we are looking for here. What are the facts of the situation? Facts include what people said or did, events that occurred either directly or as a result of the situation you’re addressing, and even how you felt about the situation. This last part is tricky, but if you’re just stating something like, “I felt really sad when you left,” that is a fact of the situation. You actually did feel sad, and it is a descriptive piece of the puzzle.
Express: This is where your more nebulous, un-provable emotions come in. Here you’re expressing how you felt and even still feel about the situation. Maybe you feel sad, or embarrassed. Maybe you’re angry because you feel that you were put in a position that wasn’t fair to you. Whatever you’re feeling, it comes in this section.
Assert: Asserting what you want is probably the most difficult part of a communication. It assumes that you A) know what you want and B) feel comfortable enough (or willing enough) to actually tell the other person! In this section, try and go for a one-sentence assertion of what you want that would help change the situation. Try and state what you do want versus what you don’t want (“I’d like you to stay with me” versus “don’t leave”) and be as clear as you can be. Clear requests have a greater chance of happening; vague requests leave you open to not getting what you want or the other person giving you what they think you want (which isn’t actually what you want at all!).
Reinforce: Be clear about how your request could be helpful to everyone involved. Reinforcing can be motivating!
Once you’ve got the DEAR part down, you can start thinking about MAN, which stands for Be Mindful, Appear Confident, and Negotiate. These first two are things that you want to weave throughout your communication and Negotiate is something you want to be thinking about even before your communication begins.
Be Mindful: First is, be mindful to stay on the topic at hand. When you stray into different topics and different conversations, you lose some of your ability to really focus on what you want. Second, be mindful about how you’re feeling, and keep track of yourself. Maybe you’re getting worried or worked up and need to take a quick breather. Maybe you’re getting angry and are about to go into argument mode. Whatever is happening for you, be aware of it and remember that you’re goal is to be an effective communicator. Finally, be a “broken record”, meaning even if the other person isn’t following the DEAR MAN “rules”, use mindfulness to stick to your communication and keep looping back to your points.
Appear Confident: People who appear to be confident tend to have better success when they are trying to get what they want than those who don’t. Even if you’re not feeling super confident about asking for what you want, try your best to appear confident. By doing this you may actually feel more confident (that’s the “Fake it till you Make it” idea). One way to increase your confidence is to (or increase your ability to fake it) practice what you want to say ahead of time.
Negotiate: As the Rolling Stones said, “you can’t always get what you want.” Sometimes, people won’t give you exactly what you want in a situation, so you should be ready to negotiate. What’s your fallback position? How far are you willing to bend? This doesn’t go in the initial conversation because you should ask for what you want, but you should be ready to negotiate.
Practicing DEAR MAN can help make you a better communicator and can help you get more of what you want. To help, we’ve included in this post a DEAR MAN worksheet that helps you break down this process and can help you become a communication master! To read more about DEAR MAN, you can try the links below:
http://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/using-d-e-a-r-m-a-n-to-get-what-you-want
http://theelephantflies.blogspot.com/2013/02/dear-man.html
