Enabling: An Overused Idea — and a More Helpful Way to Support Change

When someone you love is struggling with substance use, you are often told—directly or indirectly—that you should step back.

That helping is enabling and making things worse.

That the best thing you can do is confront the denial, detach, wait for rock bottom, or force change with ultimatums.

At the Center for Motivation and Change (CMC), we have taken a different stance for over two decades. Grounded in CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) and expanded through our Invitation to Change® (ITC) approach, we believe that loved ones are in a powerful position to influence real, lasting change in your loved one’s life and improve your own quality of life in the process.

Why “Enabling” Causes So Much Confusion

“Enabling” is a word many people hear when they share what they are doing to help a loved one struggling with substance use. Unfortunately, many families are told—by friends, by professionals, or by popular culture—that any kindness, support, or involvement is enabling. From there, the advice tends to funnel into two options:

• Detach and work to “take care of yourself” while waiting for your loved one to find their rock bottom
• Confront your loved one with ultimatums or force treatment through an intervention

The problem is that neither approach has been shown to reliably support sustained behavior change. And both often leave families feeling helpless, ashamed, or torn between caring and protecting themselves.

What Enabling Actually Means

In its simplest and most useful definition, enabling refers to actions that reinforce or support ongoing substance use or other problematic behaviors, often unintentionally.

Examples might include:

• Calling work to cover for a loved one who is hungover
• Giving money to “help them get by” when it is likely to be used for substances

These behaviors usually come from understandable impulses—love, fear, and a desire to reduce harm in the moment. The difficulty is that they can prevent someone from experiencing the natural consequences of their choices, thereby inadvertently supporting continued use.

Active Involvement Is Not the Same as Enabling

CRAFT and ITC make a critical distinction: you can be active, loving, and engaged without reinforcing substance use. The issue is not whether you are involved, but what behaviors your involvement reinforces.

Actively reinforcing positive, non-using behaviors is the opposite of enabling. It is one of the most effective ways families can support change.

The Gardener’s Dilemma: A Helpful Metaphor

Imagine a gardener tending a garden with many plants. Some are healthy and desired. Others—unfortunately—are weeds.

Water helps plants grow. But what should the gardener do?

• Turn off the water entirely? The weeds may suffer, but so will the healthy plants.
• Water everything more? The desired plants grow—but so do the weeds.

A skilled gardener takes a different approach: watering the plants they want to grow, while keeping water away from the weeds.

CRAFT applies this same principle to relationships affected by substance use.

The goal is not withdrawal or confrontation, but strategic reinforcement—nourishing the behaviors you want to see more of and stepping back from those you don’t.

Positive Reinforcement vs. Enabling: Concrete Examples

Examples of Positive Reinforcement

(Supporting non-using, safer, or pro-social behavior)

• Your loved one comes home sober and on time. You notice they haven’t eaten and offer to warm up dinner. (Early or intermittent use; reinforcing sober presence and routine.)
• Your loved one has been isolating and using more heavily, but agrees to attend a medical appointment or therapy session. You acknowledge the effort and help with transportation or logistics. (Reinforcing engagement in care and responsibility.)
• Your loved one has struggled with substances for years, but shows up clear-headed for a family meal or important conversation. You stay engaged, keep the interaction respectful, and follow through on plans that depend on sobriety. (Reinforcing reliability and sober connection.)
• Because you want to support healthier routines that compete with substance use, you offer support for activities tied to recovery or well-being (e.g., exercise, structured daytime commitments, or skill-building), while being clear that this support is not available when they are using. (Reinforcing alternative coping and structure.)

Examples of Enabling

(Unintentionally reinforcing substance use or avoiding consequences)

• Your loved one comes home late, clearly intoxicated, or unsafe. Worried they haven’t eaten, you warm up a meal, clean up after them, or help them get settled without addressing the behavior. (Reducing discomfort that might otherwise discourage use.)
• Your loved one repeatedly misses work, school, or obligations due to substance use, and you call employers, make excuses, or cover responsibilities so they don’t experience consequences. (Protecting them from outcomes that could motivate change.)
• Your loved one has a long history of risky use, but you continue providing money, housing, or access to a car without clear expectations tied to safety or sobriety. (Sustaining access to resources that support ongoing use.)
• You maintain family routines or privileges regardless of intoxication, unsafe behavior, or broken agreements because it feels too painful or frightening to say no. (Reinforcing that use does not affect access to connection or resources.)

The difference lies in what behavior is being reinforced—not in whether you are being caring or involved.

What the Evidence Shows

Decades of research on CRAFT show that when loved ones:

• Stay engaged in thoughtful ways
• Reinforce positive behavior
• Reduce unintentional reinforcement of substance use
• Take better care of themselves

They experience:

• Improved quality of life
• Less distress and hopelessness
• And, importantly, reduced substance use in their loved one

This happens without confrontation, ultimatums, or detachment.

A Different Path Forward

At CMC, we have always believed that families deserve more options than walking away or being forced to change. Through our clinical programs and our nonprofit work, we offer multiple ways for individuals and families to learn and practice these skills:

• Outpatient and residential treatment grounded in CRAFT and ITC principles
• Family therapy and parent coaching
• Free Invitation to Change® support groups offered through CMC: Foundation for Change

Whether you are seeking professional treatment or simply looking for a more hopeful, evidence-based way to stay engaged, there is another path.

The Bottom Line

Being involved does not make you an enabler.
And caring about someone’s behavior does not mean you are doing something wrong.

With the right tools, families can stay connected, protect themselves, and help create conditions for real change—for everyone involved.