Motivation and change are often treated as inseparable.
If you really wanted to change, you would.
If you can’t get started—or can’t keep going—you must not be motivated enough.
But that understanding misses something essential.
At the Center for Motivation and Change (CMC), and in the Invitation to Change® (ITC) approach, we start from a different place: behaviors make sense, and ambivalence about change is normal. Motivation is not a fixed quality you either have or don’t have—it is something that shifts, fluctuates, and can be understood and supported.
“I Want to Change… So Why Can’t I?”
Have you ever felt genuinely motivated to:
- Stop using substances
- lose weight
- change careers
- improve a relationship
…and still found yourself stuck?
This experience is far more common than people realize. Wanting change and being able to sustain it are not the same. Motivation is rarely a straight line, and it is almost never powered by willpower alone.
Sometimes change begins because of external factors—health scares, legal consequences, pressure from loved ones. These external motivators can get people moving, but on their own, they are often not enough to sustain change over time.
Even very serious external motivators don’t always work:
- “I keep smoking even though there’s a spot on my lung.”
- “I keep drinking even though my partner says they’re leaving.”
For change to last, internal motivation usually needs to be engaged along the way.
What the Research (and Real Life) Tell Us
From decades of research—and from working with thousands of individuals and families—we know that change is most often supported by:
- identifying motivation
- engaging it
- cultivating it
- and learning how to maintain it
Before talking about how to do that, it helps to clear away some common myths.
Common Myths About Motivation
- Motivation is a permanent condition. You either have it, or you don’t.
- Motivation is a personality trait. Some people are “motivated,” others are “lazy,” “unfocused,” or “uncommitted.”
- Motivation is willpower. If you just push hard enough, you’ll succeed.
- Motivation can be bullied into existence. Pressure, threats, or shame will make someone change.
- Motivation is moral. If you were a good or responsible person, you would change. If you don’t, something is wrong with you.
These ideas are widespread—and deeply unhelpful.
Debunking Motivation Myths
Here’s what both science and experience show us:
Motivation Is Fluid
Motivation rises and falls. Days (or weeks) when your desire to keep going drops are not a failure—they are expected. You will not always feel motivated.
Ambivalence Is Normal
Most meaningful change involves mixed feelings. Part of you may want the change, while another part misses what the old behavior provided—relief, comfort, connection, or escape. This does not mean you are “in denial.” It means the behavior served a purpose.
Motivation Can Be Influenced
There are different stages of motivation, and it can be supported in constructive ways at each stage. Loved ones often play a crucial role here—when they know how.
Sustaining Change Is a Skill
Staying motivated over time is not about grit. It is a learnable skill that develops through awareness, practice, and support.
Change Is Hard—and That Matters
The decision to change often feels hopeful or energizing. The reality of change is usually harder and sometimes emotionally painful:
- “I’m lonely when I don’t drink with my friends.”
- “I’m more irritable with my kids when I don’t smoke.”
Acknowledging this difficulty does not discourage change. It prepares people for it.
Why Talking About Ambivalence Helps (Not Hurts)
Many people worry that if we talk openly about how hard change is, people won’t want to try. The opposite is usually true.
When people are allowed to talk about ambivalence:
- They can anticipate challenges
- They can plan for setbacks
- They can grieve the loss of the status quo (even if it looked messy from the outside)
- They can name fears about the future
This is a core principle of Motivational Interviewing and the ITC approach: understanding ambivalence strengthens motivation rather than undermining it.
Motivation Over Time: Why Slips Happen
Maintaining motivation requires accepting that change is a process. All change involves loss. And returns to old behavior—sometimes called relapses or slips—are common.
Unfortunately, returning to the old behavior that is causing consequences is often misinterpreted as:
- lack of motivation
- denial
- a character flaw
- proof someone “isn’t ready.”
In reality, returning to an old behavior is often a skills issue, not a motivation issue:
“I ran into something I didn’t know how to handle, so I went back to what I know.”
Instead of responding with anger, despair, or pessimism, it can be far more useful to ask:
- What happened just before the return?
- What feelings or situations weren’t anticipated?
- What skills were missing at that moment?
Examining the factors that contributed to the decision to return to old behavior often indicates where more support or planning is needed.
Staying Oriented When Motivation Wobbles
There’s a saying in SMART Recovery:
If you’re driving from New York to California and get a flat tire in Kansas, you don’t go back to New York. You fix the tire and keep going.
Motivation works the same way. A dip doesn’t erase the ground you’ve already covered.
Over time, sustaining change involves paying attention to:
- What increases your motivation
- What drains it
- Which people, places, feelings, or situations pull you forward—or backward
Understanding these patterns is far more effective than labeling yourself (or someone else) as “unmotivated.”
A More Compassionate—and Effective—Way Forward
At CMC, we have always approached shifts in motivation with curiosity rather than judgment. The clinical strategies we use (e.g., Motivational Interviewing, the Invitation to Change®) help people and families understand why behaviors make sense—and how motivation can be supported rather than forced.
Whether you are trying to change something yourself or support change in someone you love, the takeaway is this:
Shifts in motivation are normal and to be expected.
Ambivalence is not failure.
And understanding what drives behavior is one of the most powerful tools for lasting change.