How to Help a Loved One with Addiction

…and why these same tools work for any behavior change.

When You Love Someone Who’s Struggling

If you love someone who’s misusing substances, you probably want two things: for them to be okay and for things to change.
You may also feel overwhelmed, scared, angry, or unsure where to begin.

The good news? There’s a lot you can do.
Research consistently shows that loved ones can play a decisive, positive role in someone’s change process.
And the first helpful step isn’t confrontation—it’s gaining a new perspective on what’s really happening.

A New Lens on Change

Substance use is one of the most misunderstood human struggles.
Our cultural story has long been one of blame, shame, punishment, and “rock bottom.”
We’ve been told that addiction is a moral failure or a disease that only drastic action can fix.

But behavioral science tells a different story: people use substances for reasons that make sense, for example, to feel relief, connection, pleasure, or escape pain.  When we understand those reasons, new ways to help become possible.

When we see behavior through the lens of need rather than moral weakness, compassion, and our ability to help grow.

1. Behaviors Make Sense

All behaviors serve a purpose. Even ones that look irrational or destructive are shaped by what they provide: calm, belonging, excitement, or relief.

Understanding what a behavior does for your loved one helps you find new, healthier ways to meet that same need.  It also helps you take their behavior less personally so that you can approach them with steadiness rather than fear or anger. Understanding also gives you the information you need to become more strategic in your efforts to help.

2. Ambivalence Is Normal

When something both helps and harms us, it’s natural to feel conflicted.  Your loved one might say, “I want to stop,” one day, and “I’m fine,” the next.  That isn’t denial—it’s ambivalence, a regular part of any change process.

You can help by listening to both sides of that ambivalence and reflecting on their own reasons for wanting something different.  Avoid arguments or ultimatums.  Your calm curiosity strengthens the voice inside them that does want to move toward health.

3. Communication Is a Tool for Change

Words are one of our most powerful reinforcers. They can lift someone—“I’m proud of you for trying”—or shut them down—“What’s wrong with you?”

Staying connected through good communication is critical.  Notice “the lights” in your conversations: are they open or defensive, engaged or shut down?  When you see a red light, slow down. Listen. Validate.
 

Effective communication reinforces connection—and connection drives change.

4. One Size Doesn’t Fit All

Every person and every family is unique. What motivates one person might mean nothing to another.
Supporting what matters to your loved one—not just what matters to you—builds trust and motivation.

Be cautious of black-and-white advice that starts with “you need to…”
Real help starts with curiosity and flexibility, not rigid rules.

5. Practice, Patience, and Compassion

Learning new behaviors—whether you’re the one changing or the one helping—takes time.
Think of it like learning to shoot free throws: you’ll miss a lot before you get it right.

Celebrate small successes, notice what works, and treat setbacks as part of the process.
Compassion, for both of you, is the fuel that keeps learning alive.

6. Find Your North Star

Helping someone who’s struggling is hard.
There will be moments of exhaustion, frustration, and fear.

That’s why it’s vital to stay anchored in your values—the kind of parent, partner, or friend you want to be.
Ask yourself:

• What matters most to me in this relationship?

• How do I want to show up, even when it’s painful?

Your values are your North Star: a direction, not a destination.
Moving toward them may hurt at times, but that discomfort is the cost of staying true to what you care about most.
We call this willingness—choosing to keep your heart open, even when it would be easier to shut down.

The Big Picture

Change doesn’t happen through ultimatums or abandonment—it happens through understanding, connection, and persistence.

Whether you’re supporting someone with addiction, depression, or any other behavioral struggle, the principles are the same:

• Behaviors make sense.
• Ambivalence is normal.
• Connection and communication matter.
• Practice, compassion, and values keep you steady.
  
  

You don’t have to fix it all. But with science, kindness, and a clear sense of what matters, you can be an incredible force for change.

At CMC, we help families learn and practice these science-based skills through the Invitation to Change Approach → a model that blends evidence, compassion, and practical tools for helping the people you love.